CrankMama

Pity Sex

I recently heard this term, which aptly describes my approach to "loving" of late.  The clever Heidi Raykell describes it as "Real-dolling"... Get it? Doll? Made real? 

Assuming one is at least somewhere deep down inside still a hottie mama, then what is a person to do to rekindle the desire to be a more active participant in one's extracurr-lick-ular activities?  One of my motivations for weaning V is the hope that it might spruce up my desire.  Perhaps if I'm not handled and pulled and bitten -- by my child, I might be more inclined to be handled and pulled and bitten -- by my hubs.

I didn't used to be this way.  Far from it.  I used to feel like an outlier in the world of women (during my first marriage, I even checked out a book once called "What to Do if He Has a Headache"), but now I'm apparently quite representative of the mainstream, which I absolutely despise just on principle.

There are many clever books and conversations to be had on reawakening desire.. and even some fabulous comments here at CrankMama awhile back on the topic. 

But you know how when you feel like sh*t emotionally and someone says something cheerful and hoo hoo and you just want to hit them because you don't want to be cheered up, you want someone to fix you? 

That's how I feel when I read and/or talk about the topic of desire-building.  To me, re-igniting passion only works if one has the proper internal kindling.. the internal kindling that I'm apparently missing right now.  I don't want to be the purveyor of pity sex.

I want to be a priestess at the altar of LUVIN...

I want to find my inner hottie mama and invite her to stay for awhile...

Confessions of a Working Girl

Since it's Sex Week here at CrankMama, I thought I'd tell you a little about my life during my 2nd week of working again.

First, the pimp calls to set up the meet, identifies the John and tells me where to go, what was ordered, and how much I'll get.

Then, I get all dolled up, do my quick tantra meditation, grab the lube and whip and go!

Not really. That was my other job.

This job is less remunerative, but also quite a bit less stressful and, let's face it, much much easier on the wonderflower. 

Today is only my 2nd of 3 work days this week and I'm already totally dog tired, hope I never have to use my legs/feet again, and am gripped by the familiar mixture of joy & despair that accompanies working while raising young kids.  Ambivalence is the hobgoblin of working mothers everywhere... at least this working mother.

The inner dialogue goes something like this:

Jesus!  The kids are driving me CRAZY this morning!  When will J get here so I can get OUT and go to work?  Thank GOD she's here so I can go...

I hope V doesn't do anything cute today that I'll miss.  She WON'T! She'll be napping most of the time you're gone anyway!

Ahhh... work.  A reprieve. Hot coffee.  This is such an interesting spreadsheet.  A headache... Shit! I really miss the kids!  Look how cute they are in that picture... Was V ever that small? I have GOT to do that photo album before I lose track of time... 

I want another baby!  NO! You DON'T! You just THINK you do because you're no longer insane with sleep deprivation!  But I do! NO NO NO!  What if you had another set of twins? GULP. You're right.

Only 2 hours more and then I can go home.. I'm so tired today I can't see straight.  Poor V.. I hope she doesn't miss me.

           Home again.  Relief. 

See? Working girls can't win...

whip whip

Erotic Love...Part II

Since several of you seem quite interested in the Erotic Love post, I'm selecting 2 of the responses by folks who might just have this problem licked (couldn't resist).  They are also two great bloggin' chicks, so it's also an opportunity to check out their sites...

Martini Mom said:

Grab asses randomly during the day...touch touch touch...whisper dirty little thangs in each others ears whilst cooking up dinner...flirt...kiss each other often and with passion (nothing too gross out but it's OK to kiss in front of your kiddos...this way...they learn now to imbue passion into their lives when older)...fight about sex and then go make up...flirt...give a massage with no "goal" in mind...kiss...look each other in the eye...breathe...FLIRT...

Stay At Aum Mom said:

Oh the dearth of freaky freaky that comes after the babies...  Most of the time, it's the old "just too damn tired" excuse.  Every now and again, though, the wild hare strikes and there is a week or so of unbridled, exuberant lovemaking. Followed by a few weeks of recovery, since necessarily this involves using up time that would normally be filled with heavy duty sleeping.

Everything in life is a trade-off, isn't it?  And then, there is the unavoidable embarrassment of having your preschooler suddenly come upon a pair of handcuffs and some rather difficult-to-explain items of clothing.  That's always fun, too.  "Yes, baby, sometimes mommy needs to dress up like she's going to school..."

You heard it here folks, schoolgirl uniforms, grab ass, and breathing....  Who knew?

I want to know when these two will start teaching seminars... or bloginars??

I'm truly IMPRESSED! 

Erotic Love

In an excellent article in Salon,  author Esther Perel argues that marriage and family as they are formulated in American culture are not hothouses of erotic love.  Friendship, managing children and household needs, and a literal and figurative intrusion of kids into the parent's bedroom, spells doom for excitement in the marital bed.

Not news to most of us, surely, yet I always appreciate an honest discussion of the struggle to find eroticism in monogamous-kid-filled marriages.  How does one account for the supposed sexual peak that occurs for most women in their mid- to late-30s and the concomitant decline in some men's appetites?  Regardless of who wants what, when, and how, the issue boils down to managing differing levels of desire.

More than money, in-laws, and differing religious beliefs, sexual desire has always been at the core of most of my relationship conflicts.  And I don't mean mild disagreement, either. All the loud door-slamming and yelling and crying has been committed by me during discussions of sex.  And these fights have usually occurred because I have a higher level of sexual desire --talk about feeling out of sync with the mainstream!  My first marriage more or less crashed and burned over this issue.

Assuming one is committed to staying within the bounds of monogamy, that one loves and desires one's spouse and loves one's children, what is one to do to rekindle erotic love, passion, and desire amidst the prosaic reality of laundry, dishes, vacuuming, and diapering?

Perel argues (and she seems a good authority, she's been married over 20 years) that part of recapturing eroticism is to carve out a space that is kid and chore-free.  I can appreciate the idea that some of one's house should be kid-free, but I don't need to tell you (because you know) how totally off putting it is to be the little french waitress and have one of the kids yell out that they have an itchy bottom.  And yes, we can employ babysitters and run away to hotels far far away (which my hubs and I do occasionally), but I don't want to have to spend $200 just to get my freak on.

What I'm talking about is something more revolutionary... imbuing the every day with the sparkle of the erotic.  And no, goddammit, I haven't figured out how to do it yet.  But it can be done, I know it can.  Meanwhile, all I have is the bad late 80s album by Bruce to keep me company in my quest... 

Well it ain't no secret
I've been around a time or two
Well I don't know baby maybe you've been around too
Well there's another dance
all you gotta do is say yes
And if you're rough and ready for love
honey I'm tougher than the rest....

Every Mama Needs...

For Her Spirit:

A daily belly laugh

A gaggle of smart sassy girlfriends (or just 1)

A sweetie who tells her she's gorgeous when she hasn't showered in two days and smells like baby vomit

Somewhere to go to be alone and quiet, or to be rowdy, loud, and sexy

For Her Kids:

Loving safe caregivers for date night (or work)

Health insurance and a good pediatrician

For Her Mind:

Meaningful work

A good book

For Her Bodacious Bod:  

Pretty underwear that helps everything stay put

A vibrator

For Her Heart:

Great music

Art

Loving kindness

 

My New Hero

There is a woman who's written a book called "Girl with a One Track Mind" and she's interviewed by Sharon Osborne (of all people).  In one fell swoop, she's done away with assumptions about women and sexuality.  And for that, she's my new hero.

Her blog is here.

Happy reading! 

Mommies Who Like Sex

I'm inspired by a fabulous book being released soon called Mommies Who Drink recommended to me by junebee.  It's a deep dark secret, apparently, that mothers drink and have a life and occasionally are released from mommy & me signing classes to meet girlfriends at bars and gab about things other than Billy's issues with pee pee.

Even though momjeans can still be seen at one's local grocery store, have you checked out the hottie breeders around town of late? Let me tell you, they aren't the scarf wearing puffies from the past.  They're Donna Reed meets Barbarella. These chics (yes, chics) are kicking ass and taking names.  They are 20, 30, and 40 something, they know how to have multiple orgasms and they love their children passionately.   

Not to be mistaken for the pre-bra burning mah johng playing cocktail slinging mothers who raised them, these babes are too hot to handle and too cold to hold.

Move over Gloria, there's a new sherriff in town.  And she loves men, only sells out if it pays for her expensive taste in shoes, and believes in loving kids and mate without forsaking herself. 

All hail the sex loving hottie mama!

I Better Be Good In Bed

A Wifely Apology:

I'd like to officially apologize.  While the acid comments over breakfast are most likely quite funny (especially the bitter ones about materialism, capitalist pigs, and Republicans) I know sometimes it's better to wait until the dinner hour to throw around swear words and make references to the Mindless Masses. 

Though 40 hours of cheerfully granted alone time might have been sufficient, in some circles, to jumpstart cheerfulness or recapture some youthful effervescence, alas they were unequal to the task.  And while a seething undercurrent of resentment is indeed quite sexy to some men (as are sweatpants and oily hair I'm told), it may not after all be your particular cup of tea.

Hormones, wine for dinner, and no exercise since 1975 are excellent cornerstones of a certain kind of mental health, I'm sure, but don't seem to work as well for me.

For these reasons and above all because you haven't yet put me on the cover of Bad Wife Magazine, please accept my nomination as the officially adored mascot of all of us here at CrankMama.  You surely deserve more than you've been receiving...

I remain, ever your faulty but hopefully never boring wife.

Bird Flu

Here's what being sick means now that I'm in my late 30s and have successfully reproduced a triplet of girls under 5 whose endless needs spike up as my energy crashes.

1. Morning dose of twinfighting escalates and ends with hitting and yelling and bad words ("You are a butt poop!")

2. Last Swim Lesson cannot be missed, temperature and sore throat notwithstanding

3. Feel hungover, but without the benefit of pre-party or cute dress or drunk sex with hubcap.

4. The over-talk famous among parents of twins everywhere fades into a not wholly unpleasant background buzzing noise, followed by call-outs

 "Momma! MOOOOOMMMMMAAAAAA! Ma- Maaa! Answer us! Right This Minute!!"

5. Start watching the clock and realize it's going to be a long one...

6. Play fun game called "Tune In / Tune Out" where I listen to snippets of the constant talking that goes like this

"...and the family lived in the bubble.."

"...nine, ten, YOU'RE the witch!"

"I told you, pee, talk to your parents!"

" Don't worry, mama, we're just being ghostses..."

7. And we're out of coffee...

Every Mama Needs...

To consume 2 cups of coffee before having to explain where the dog went when he died
To teach her kids to get themselves breakfast so that she can sleep past 7am
To institute "quiet play time" until the kids are in college to insure daily down time
To get laid properly, slowly, and lovingly without hearing "Mama! I'm out of WAAAAAATER!" yelled from the other room...