During the holidays, many mothers silently suffer from an illness called "Failure to Flourish." This condition has the ability to transform a lighthearted sexy girlfriend into a mean old bag of a wife and mommy.
"I don't understand what has happened. My wife used to be darling and adoring. She used to wear makeup and heels and shower daily. Now she doesn't even appreciate that I do the dishes THREE times a week!" wailed one forlorn and confused husband of a woman suffering from FTF.
"Many women feel secretly angry and despairing over their tiring and unglamorous lives. They find themselves envying their relaxed empty-nester counterparts, having unexplained fits of rage when people talk about Paris, and losing the ability to act cheerful for more than 30 seconds," declared Dr. Rosie Rueful, principal researcher for the Angry Woman Institute. "By shedding light on Failure to Flourish, we hope women everywhere can get the help they need."
Signs that you or the woman you love may be suffering from Failure to Flourish:
- disinterest in her surroundings
- avoidance of eye contact
- failure to reach developmental milestones like learning to balance meals, talking in a non-high baby voice, or matching socks
- infrequent showering and bathing
- unexplained anger at others who are cheerful and hoo hoo
Treatment options vary according to the seriousness of the condition, but can include:
- a day at the spa
- a date night with girlfriends who are not allowed to discuss anything domestic, especially their children
- a day alone in bed with a good book and a romantic comedy starring a hunky 20-something
- a meandering walk through the neighborhood alone, to take in the fresh air and non-talking beauty of nature, and, if after-dark, a peek into the disturbing lives of one's neighbors.
- heavy medication
If you find you may be suffering from this condition, please don't suffer alone. Get help immediately by calling our Mommy Is Going To a Home Hot Line (1-888-Is-This-All-There-Is?), where helpful and decidedly uncheery volunteers are standing by to listen to your legion of real complaints...